I now believe in L O V E

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Recently my heart has been ripped from my body as I laid my beloved dog to rest and although I feel so incredibly raw I feel such intense clarity.

When people have asked me how I am after this, knowing me and knowing the essential place my little black dog had in my life, they have been surprised at how I say the process of loosing Zeke has transformed my life in a way I have been waiting for, for a very long time.

Some of you may have read my story of how I was assaulted on a beach one full moon night. After that night I decided I needed to get a big dog to protect me from any more men… I had moved home to my parents house to get into a place of ‘ok-ness’ again and while I was shopping for a ridgeback, or rottie, a big fuck off dog that no man could come near me with but before I found one, my mum bought me this little baby mini foxy who instantly adored me and instantly ran into my room, pulled his cute little self up onto my bed, under the covers of my bed and down to my toes and curled up to sleep. We instantly fell into instant love.

Zeke had more fuck off in his eyes than any big dog ever could, even trying to shave the faces of any cop that pulled me over, leaping at them from the car window, he slipped right into my little family of me and my beautiful collie dog, Zali. Zali was an intuitive beauty, but guardian was just not part of her, at this point, I was seeking someone to guard me and love me with unfaltering dedication and Zeke gave me more of that than I could of ever asked for.

Zeke took the roll of being my guard dog to the most serious degree, not even letting my children or husband touch him. I was it! And it was only in the last week of his life that he allowed their affection. He had been suffering from seizures for 2 years, most likely caused by a tumour on his pancreas. His medication was keeping the seizures at bay and allowing him to be his, still pup like self and enjoy life as normal, but we knew it was only buying us time until that day the medication stopped working and I would need to face that horrendous decision to have him put to sleep.

I’d begged him to goin his sleep, when he needed,  but as I sat in the peace of the knowing that it was ‘time’, I realised that to be the true protector I asked him to be, to be the true protector he promised me he’d be, he would never step down from that and leave me. So it was the greatest honour that it was me who let him go… who made that decision.

He was by my side for 13.5 amazing years. I wrote more about our life together here. He never weighed more than 8kgs but he was one of the largest parts of my life, for honestly those entire 13 years and now that he is gone I feel a hole in my life that will always be there, I miss him more than my heart is actually capable of, I know he is at peace, I know this and I am so grateful but being left with the memories and not him is really hard to come to terms with.

But what I have come to write about today is our beliefs and how I attached a belief to Zeke that has kept me in a place that was not best for me, and how letting him go has transformed me and my marriage and my life in incredible ways.

I have done a lot of work on myself this year. It started out as what I thought was ‘Business Coaching’ but as it turns out to be successful in business you need to actually sort through lots of junk in yourself first. To be authentic and able to be any help to anyone else you first must look inwards… this including looking at myself when it came to my marriage problems

My husband and I have had many challenges in our marriage and early this year we decided the best option was for us to finally separate.

Marriage can be fucking hard work… like harder than anything! For me I felt unsupported, I felt misunderstood, I felt like I was doing everything on my own, I felt like he chose everything other than me and even though sometimes his actions supported this belief, I believed this because I had an underlying story I continued to tell myself.

I was assaulted and then less than a year later assaulted again and this, understandable, formulated in me a very real belief that ‘All men will hurt me’ I found a guardian in my dog, a creature who wholeheartedly protected me every second of his life but who also supported this belief, that was now not applicable. I have unknowingly carried this belief through my entire marriage, deep down, subconsciously still believing that my husband will somehow hurt me, disappoint me and not ‘guard and love’ me. That makes me incredibly sad, but so overwhelming excited about our future, because realising and changing this belief has literally, saved our marriage. We are wholeheartedly connected again, my hubby and I and I wrote this story recently called He is my home.

On Zeke’s last day with us, we all gathered around him on our bed, his laboured breathing and our gentle hands on his old body. We all cried and said thank you for what he meant to each of us, the girls saying their thanks for the rare times he actually let them love him. Then Pete gave his promise, and said to him ‘I’ll protect  her for ya now Zeke’ and then and only then was I able to not only let my darling best mate go, I was able to fit the final piece of this past hurt in place AND I was able to truly commit to my marriage. I was able to change the belief that subconsciously governed me for the past 14 years. It was one of the most epically beautiful and now cherished moments of my life.

I challenge you to look deeper into yourself. Find the beliefs that unknowingly rule you… take them apart and try them on for size again, they may have been a perfect fit once, but now, my darlings you have grown and they are not fitting any more… thank them and let them go.

Ching Ching, Raise your glasses to love!